Introduction: Best of Big Chief

big-chiefAs I mentioned in a previous post, my love of writing began in high school when we were required to keep a journal in Big Chief Tablets. We could write anything we wanted, without fear of anyone reading it. We could write song lyrics, for all the teacher cared, as long as we wrote at least ten pages a week. I must have written something like ten pages a day, and continued to write in them up until they stopped making Big Chiefs, around the time my first son was born in 1994. Which means I have about 12 years worth of Big Chiefs in a box in my closet. I pulled some out the other day and after laughing at the tangled ball of teenaged angst I was back then, decided I should risk ridicule and share an excerpt with you all each week. After all, this is where it all started. At the end of each year back in High School, we would be assigned to pull what we deemed our best entries. It was call “Best of Big Chief.”

The first entry I’m sharing is from 1983, over 26 years ago, when I first started dedicating my Big Chiefs to KOTF (Kimee of the Future). I was 16 years old, so be gentle:

February 18, 1983

Life is so sweet sometimes. The birds are singing, the smell of spring is already in the air, there’s a soft breeze coming in my window and Charly McClain is singing “Surround Me with Love” on the radio. You know, life would be so easy if there wasn’t any such thing as Love. I feel pleasant right now, yet I have an inner feeling of despair. Please don’t ask me to explain. Just call it “Glass”. Everything is glass and it’s all stained, every last bit of it and it depresses me. Well, I guess I better get busy and clean my room. So … I guess I’ll see you later. Who are you anyway?  The “Kimee of the Future”? So, KOTF, how are all those children you wanted? Did you marry Tony or Mike? Neither? Are you a famous singer now, or just a regular run of the mill boring American? Do you still live in Colorado? Are you alive at all? Did you name your little girl Elise? I bet you did. Have you figured out what you’re doing yet, or are you still fumbling around in the dark” Forget that you wrote this, KOTF. Pretend it’s an old friend from yesterday. You’re not the same person as you were a long time ago are you? You’ve changed an awful lot. Well KOTF, these Big Chiefs are dedicated to you.

In answer to my younger, fragile self, I only had two children and, since both of them were boys, I felt it best not to name either one of them “Elise”. In fact, I wouldn’t have even if they were girls, because later on, I ended up working with an Elise who was somewhat of a psycho, ruining my fondness of that name forever. I liked it back then because I was obsessed with the movie “Somewhere in Time”. And I don’t have to forget that I wrote this, because I honestly don’t remember writing it at all. And isn’t it funny how I go from “Life is so sweet …” to an “inner feeling of despair” in the course of about two sentences? It solidifies my relief not to be raising a teenage girl right now, for surely she would be just as bad as I was.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lauri Lynnxe Murphy
    Mar 22, 2009 @ 00:43:08

    Oh no you didn’t! Oh my goodness…I don’t even remember if I even have my Big Chiefs anymore, I probably threw them out. You are BRAVE, girl! I don’t know if I could publish my whiney snot-nosed musings out there on the world wide whatever. But it’s great to read. I remember the glass thing. Look closely at that painting named after you, in the center there’s a big lens, like a magnifying glass…what you probably can’t see in the center is that there’s a Prozac glued underneath. Also, it’s pink and green, which were your favorite colors. 😉

  2. coffeegirl88
    Mar 22, 2009 @ 00:55:49

    Ah, the glory that is a teenage girl. Nope the mood swings don’t surprise me, I know my journals did the same. You are very brave for sharing, thank you.

  3. jenifer
    Mar 22, 2009 @ 00:59:10

    I picked the name Elise for a little girl in high school as well. 🙂

    And mood swings, sure. But your teenage girl self noticed birds singing, the smell of spring in the air, and the soft breeze coming in the window.

    Doesn’t that count for something? Doesn’t that count for a lot? I think those are awesome (drink) things to notice at age 16!

  4. hoffmakatie
    Mar 22, 2009 @ 01:04:47

    Ah- well. Teenage boys can be as emotionally lambent as girls (in my experience.) Adolescence is a bit of a bitch, whether you’re going through it as participant or parent:)

    It is so cool to see this writing from the 16 year old Kim- and the response from the adult Kim. Sometimes I think there is nobody more honest, in some ways, than a teenager, and I wish I could regain some of that whatever it was-ness. Bravo, Kim.

  5. Ilana
    Mar 22, 2009 @ 21:17:29

    You know, I wrote myself a letter too. Don’t have it handy. Not sure I want to share it (even with myself).

    I always though I’d get girls somehow… And now I have 2 boys, just like you.

    Do you take offense at yourself at 16 asking you if you’re boring?

  6. Teresa Lenway Morris
    Mar 30, 2009 @ 15:24:39

    Wonderful! I love that fragile, dramatic, naive, hopeful, always-dreaming girl.

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